Intuition

What To Do When a Client is Pissed Off Or Overly-Demanding

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If you are in the business of working with human beings, no matter how amazing you are, a moment will come when a client will get pissed off at you, judgmental of you, or overly-demanding.

It can at first feel really icky. You can feel like you’re not doing a good enough job, like you need to give more and more, and like other professionals are doing a much better job than you. You can also find that you don’t know what to do next with the client.

When you encounter a client who is being Judgmental and demanding in this way, it might sound something like this (maybe not these exact words, but this is at the core of what they say or write to you):

You’re not doing it good enough

You’re not giving me enough

I’m not getting what I deserve here

The things you’re doing aren’t working for me, and you should know better!

I don’t like this part and this part and this part of your program

You’re not meeting my needs

You need to change “this” right away

So what do you do when this happens?

1) Manage Your Own Triggers so you can Respect Yourself & Your Client:

Usually the first thing that happens for a coach or practitioner when their client goes into Criticism, Anger, Judgment or Demands is for the coach to internally freak out, to feel really terrible about themselves and their performance, or to feel out of control, or to get angry back at the client.

None of the internal freak-out is going to be of service to you to shift your client out of their resistance and into a more open place. So the very first thing you want to do when you encounter The Judge or The Demanding One in a client, is to work on your own triggers.

Working on your own triggers means really unpacking your own beliefs around anger, around over-giving, around boundaries, and around feeling like you’re enough. This is an important element of the work I do when I train coaches because you can have the best coaching skills in the world, but if you’re triggered or not bringing aligned ‘energetics” into your coaching relationships and conversations, you’re not really able to help your clients.

2) Objectively Assess if You’ve Missed the Mark in Your Deliverables:

When a client shows up as demanding or faulting you for something you haven’t done for them, 9 times out of 10, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with what you’ve delivered or how you’ve shown up. Chances are you’ve really performed well and given what you’ve promised (more on what to do in that case in a moment).

But that being said, there is always the outside chance that you have misstepped in a considerable way, not delivered on a promise, or not met a legitimate need.

This is why it’s really important to objectively hear your client’s concern (or anger, or demand), assess if there is something you’ve missed, and if you have, problem solve on how to right the wrong or provide for the need.

Usually, there is a very simple solution…if, and only if….you’re willing to objectively assess AND ALSO you’ve got your triggers in check. If you haven’t managed your triggers and try to assess, there is absolutely no way you’ll be able to be objective about it and you will either not see what you missed in your delivery or you’ll feel so badly about yourself that you’ll won’t see a solution, or try to overcompensate….or worse, give up.

3) Lovingly Work with & Address Your Client’s Resistance or Shadow

As I said above, 9 times out of 10, when a client is angry at you or demanding that you haven’t done something right or enough…it’s usually NOT true. And it’s not about you.

It’s about your client.

And her own Resistance to Growth or Shadow of Anger or Judgment.

Now, working with client Resistance and Shadow are BIG topics, and I teach those techniques thoroughly in Sacred Depths Coach Training and Into the Depths Facilitator Training.

But here a few pointers to get some wheels spinning for you. You want to be able to:

— Recognize the Resistance or the Shadow
(these terms get thrown around a lot in the Transformational Industry, but very few practitioners actually know what they mean, what the difference between the two are, and how to spot them)

–Manage your own Triggers
(see above)

–Don’t be scared of your client’s emotions, anger or judgment
(as soon as you get scared or intimidated or make it mean something about you, you’re not as equipped to lead)

–Lovingly call out & create awareness your client around the pattern that’s coming up for her
(people that get angry or judgmental don’t do it out of thin air. They have a history of it, whether they realize it or not, and are patterned to do so as a coping mechanism or self-sabotage vehicle. As their coach, you want to be able to lovingly yet firmly guide your client to awareness around their pattern).

–Normalize the Pattern
(if you don’t Normalize the Pattern and show how there is nothing wrong with it, your client will go into shame around the pattern and will be less open to deeper awareness and growth around it).

–Create Awareness around the Origin Story and Primary Purpose
(the more you can help your client uncover the Resistance, the Shadow or the Pattern Origin Story & Primary Purpose, then the more conscious choice she has in choosing another way of being and operating)

–Create Space for New Solutions, Energies and Patterns for your Client to Lean Into
(do this in a variety of ways including helping her own the higher level Shadow energy, or re-working the Origin Story, or Re-Wiring the Neural Pathway, and much more!)

4) Set Appropriate Boundaries:

This is a very important element to put into place when a client is inappropriately Angry, Demanding or in Judgment. Get very clear with yourself on what you are willing and not willing to do or hold for them, and then very clearly and very lovingly communicate that boundary. This step is most effective after you’ve done the 3 previous steps. If you skip to this one, you will either not set an aligned boundary, or not set it in a clear and loving way, or…your client will be stuck in their Resistance or Shadow to be able to take it in or accept it.

So there you have it! Some beginning pointers on how to handle pissed off or overly-demanding clients. Would love to hear your takeaways on this one!

This Coaching Standard Does More Harm Than Good

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Over the summer, I had a private session with a client who had been in session with her healer the week before.

My client was telling me that her Healer had intuited that she needed to go to the beach for a week. It sounded like a good idea to my client because she trusts this healer’s intuition, yet she told him she was feeling stressed out and pressured because she just couldn’t figure out how to make a week away that month fit with her life.

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Love

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Yes, you heard me right: whether I’ve been working with my client for years….or even if we are just at the very beginning of our coaching relationship and I don’t know my client that well yet…first and foremost, I am always going to love & honor my client.

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A Not-So-Secret Ingredient to my Coaching Secret Sauce

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My first business coach, who in so many ways was truly a wonderful coach and mentor, taught me a lot about boundaries. She was the first person to really open my eyes to the dangers of over-giving and allowing yourself to be treated (or treating yourself) like a doormat.

I will be forever grateful for all she taught me in this area. I really learned how to respect my time and respect my boundaries because of it.

But.

And this is a big “but”.

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I was scared to post this….

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In lieu of a full blog post, I wanted to share with you a recent post I wrote on Facebook.

I was scared to hit post on it because I know it’s a little controversial….
and I wasn’t sure if it would trigger some people…
but I ultimately decided to post it because I feel so strongly about it.

It’s about coaching & coaching skills & ethics & so much more.

You’ll see it got some attention and a lot of folks commented very passionately on it.

Here it is: https://www.facebook.com/joanna.lindenbaum/posts/10155812738623437

Would love to hear your thoughts!

Tales of Woe From The First Retreat I Led By Myself

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The first retreat I ever led by myself was 2-days long, and a massive learning lesson for me.

Before this retreat, I had led other retreats…but they had always been co-led. I hadn’t done them on my own.

It was the first retreat of five in a 9-month mastermind. 20 incredible women.

I wanted very much to serve them well. And if I’m honest with myself, I also wanted to impress them. I wanted them to like me. No, to adore me. And to think I was brilliant. And to feel they had made the right choice by investing with me.

So that meant that even though I was so excited about this retreat….I was also ridiculously nervous.

I spent weeks preparing like crazy for the curriculum and buying supplies. I put in hours to memorize parts of what I was going to say. And finally the night before the retreat came.

I crawled into bed at about 10:30pm so that I could get a good night’s sleep, and…didn’t fall asleep until after 5am. I was so nervous that my thoughts were moving way too quickly for my brain to settle down and let me rest.

I got about 90 minutes of sleep that night, ran out the door in the morning with barely any breakfast inside me, fueled by adrenaline.

I could feel my heart beating so strongly inside of me the entire subway ride to the retreat site. My underarms were totally sweaty. And I found myself wishing to be anywhere but on my way to this retreat.

I got to the retreat site before anyone else was there, set up the room, and then ran to the bathroom to hide in a stall and calm myself down enough to do the work I was there to do.

Sitting on the toilet, I practiced breathing, told myself all was well, and prayed a lot to be able to show up fully and open to be able to support the women in the room.

Still shaking, I emerged from the stall and walked into the retreat room, reminding myself to smile big and open my heart

In many ways, that first day went phenomenally well.

We created sacred space together, the women were open and engaged, the rituals I led inspired great emotion and breakthroughs. They were learning a lot and beginning to create trust and sisterhood with each other.

But…I didn’t give them (or me) much of a morning break. I didn’t eat or drink anything during that break.

We also paused way later than I had anticipated for lunch. After 1:30pm. I was still so nervous and so pumped with adrenaline that I barely ate or gave myself moments to rest.

And…I was exerting myself more than I needed to. Using all of my life force energy to hold the space instead of allowing the space to be held.

We continued on that day until close to 6pm.

And I was hosting a dinner for them that night at a restaurant across town.

All of the women left to rest and then head over to the restaurant. I stayed in the retreat room, cleaning up everything all by myself. I hadn’t made sure to have help with me.

I packed up my little suitcase full of all the items I had brought (we did a lot of experiential exercises), and running late, ran outside to try and catch a cab to the restaurant.

But it was rush hour in NYC and there wasn’t a cab to be found.

So I walked. It took me 30 minutes, lugging my suitcase, to walk to this dinner that I was hosting.

On the walk to the restaurant, my exhaustion hit me.

It wasn’t a normal exhaustion. It was the most tired I had ever felt in my life. A worn-out-ness that took over my entire body and mind.

I arrived to the restaurant late, sweaty, totally drained….and in no shape to hold the space for everyone, let alone even stand up straight.

So instead of enjoying this celebratory dinner that I had worked so hard for, and instead of getting to connect with these new women I was serving….I let all of my clients know that I was tired and I hopped in a cab back to Brooklyn.

All at the same time, I was so relieved to get into that cab….but also I felt like I had failed by leaving early.

And within 2-3 minutes of being in that cab, my stomach started to feel extremely queasy. I wanted to tell the cab driver to stop and to jump out immediately, but that wasn’t an option because I didn’t even feel strong enough to say a word out loud.

It was somewhere on the Brooklyn Bridge that I began vomiting profusely. I just vomited all over the back seat of that taxi. The driver, rightfully so, was not too happy.

We finally arrived at my apartment, and Jon had to come downstairs and help me up. I collapsed onto our bed, weeping, not knowing how I’d make it to the retreat for the second day.

Somehow, though, after a nice warm bath with Epsom salt, and a hearty meal, I slept that night. And stepped into a beautiful, powerful and transformative second day of the retreat.

That retreat was a potent learning experience for me. Here are some of the biggies:

  • Always make sure you eat enough and that your body is nourished before, during and after a retreat.
  • Take actions to calm down and balance your nervous system before, during, and after retreats.
  • Get enough sleep.
  • Get support for setup and clean up at retreats, even if it feels easy-peasy to do on your own.
  • Take lots of bathroom breaks, eat during snack times, break for lunch at a reasonable hour.
  • Give yourself and your participants plenty of open time.
  • Be fully present, yet don’t fall into the belief that you need to hold the space all on your own.
  • Serve because it is your mission and passion, not because you want to impress.

It would be a lie to say that I don’t still get nervous before retreats (& I’ve led dozens and dozens since that first one!). Nervousness is more than OK. It’s how you handle the nervousness and prepare for it that counts.

Would love to hear from you on some of your retreat tales of woe and what you learned!

How to Honor and Protect Your Time

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A colleague of mine recently confessed something that truly shocked me. She is a hardworking professional, someone I respect and admire, someone who exudes competence, authority, and wisdom – yet she told me this unbelievable story:

She had just agreed to work with a new client, and to begin their partnership she was to attend a training to familiarize herself with the client’s policies and procedures. The meeting took over three hours, and at the end of it, she examined the contractor’s agreement that the client had drawn up. In it, the terms of payment were outlined clearly, but nowhere was there any indication that this training session was to be paid. The client expected to not pay her for the training, and to never let her know upfront. Stunned and speechless, she signed the document, and that was that. She said nothing to change that expectation.

Does this sort of thing ever happen to you? Do you find yourself allowing others to eat up your time in ways that don’t feel right to you?

So, how can you help others to recognize that YOUR time is sacred? To RESPECT it? The key here is to address it head on. When you establish rules & boundaries for your time, you make it clear to others that it is valuable.

Each group of people in your soul-centered project and life needs to be educated in different ways so you can honor and protect your time:

How to Protect Your Time with Clients:

Once you realize that your schedule isn’t working for you and that you want to change it, (see Part 1 of this article on how to determine this) you need to communicate that to the people in your community. This can make even the most confident of us quail a bit, but take heart: I have never lost a single client due to changing my schedule. The key is to let clients know that your schedule will be changing with integrity and in a way that’s aligned with your energy. The new schedule will benefit both you and your client because with a schedule that TRULY works for you, you’ll have even more energy to serve them.
Let your clients know that your schedule is changing by sending an email that says something like this:

“Dear X, I’m excited to let you know that as of October 1, my hours are changing. My new hours are [insert new client hours here]. This schedule will allow me to focus even more fully on you, and serve you in even stronger ways than I have in the past. If you have any questions at all on this, please don’t hesitate to contact me.” This is a simple, fuss-free way to create new boundaries with clients.

How to Protect Your Time with Clients in Session-Based Appointments:

With session-based appointments, it is easy to run overtime, and if it happens once, it tends to continue over and over. It’s easy to get annoyed at clients for this or to get frustrated, but the truth is that it’s on YOU to end your sessions at the appropriate time.
Here are some tips:

  • Five minutes before the end of the session, directly tell the client that the session is ending and it’s time to wrap up
  • Lead them to this with some wrap-up questions or instructions
  • If the issue persists: Send clients an email letting them know that while you’ve been giving extra session time until now, that starting immediately, you’ll be honoring your session time. Let them know that this will help you serve more effectively, and will help you act as a model for them.

How to Protect Your Time with Team Members:

I hear from many folks that there are sometimes team members who haven’t been taking on responsibility, or are doing something the wrong way over and over, and those mistakes are costing time & money. If you have trouble setting boundaries, you might feel awkward, uncomfortable, or guilty about rocking the boat and letting that person know they have to take responsibility. But in your heart, you know that saying nothing will never solve it. The process here has a few steps.

  • Get clear on what the team member hasn’t been doing or has been doing incorrectly – both for yourself and for the team member. I highly suggest doing this in person or over the phone – NOT over email.
  • Let them know the consequences or repercussions of this: for example, “Every time you make a mistake with scheduling, it costs me time and my clients are not happy” or “I am up all night worrying that such and such did not get done; I am exhausted from it.” It is important that your team members understand exactly how their mistakes are affecting you, your clients, and your business.
  • Ask what support they need so they can do it correctly and in the right time, and give them a clear timeframe by which the issue needs to be resolved.
  • If the problem is a recurring issue then it may be time to acknowledge that the job is not a good fit for that person, and you need to let him or her go.

How to Protect Your Time with Partners Around Childcare or Household Duties:

If you’re taking on more responsibility at home than you want to, get clear on your need. Then get clear on why your need is so important. For example: I’m very busy with the kids and the house, and in all my extra time I’m working, but I really need time to exercise. If I had time to exercise 3 times per week, I’d be more relaxed, more energized, and not feel stressed and cranky all the time.

  • Set a time to speak with your partner – springing these conversations on people is never conducive to success! Make sure you have enough time and space and no distractions to have this conversation about your needs.
  • Speak from your heart lovingly about your need and why you need it. Ask your partner to either take on the task or to help find an alternate resolution. The key here isn’t to blame, but to make an aligned request. You might need to tweak or negotiate or brainstorm together from there, but the important thing is to make the request.

When you show others that your time is valuable by setting boundaries in these ways, you create a paradigm that fosters your ability to work efficiently, and promotes success in all your efforts.

How to Create Soul-Centered Relationships

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Is there a person in your life or at work who consistently lets you down? Does this person fail to give you the support you need, or make you feel resentful about the fairness of your relationship? Even if you really like or even love this person, do you suspect that this person is in some way detrimental to you or your soul-centered project?

Relationships are absolutely essential, even fundamental, to the success of any soul-centered venture. Soul-centered relationships are vital to any performance you’re in, any book you want to write, exhibition you want to create or participate in, conference you want to organize, or project you spearhead.

Relationships are so important because when it comes down to it, you can’t succeed alone. To be fair, maybe you can “get it done” by yourself. But it takes way too much energy and is not as much fun if you do it alone.

Additionally, the bigger you get, the bigger your vision, and the more expansive you become, you literally cannot do everything yourself. Just as a timely example, the President of the U.S. would not be able to run the country without help and support in various ways from others!

What often happens is that you set out to do it alone or you have others’ help, but something isn’t quite right. Maybe there’s imbalance or resentment, or something missing. That’s not a soul-centered, aligned relationship.

When your relationships are misaligned, you are going to have a lot of problems.

To understand what’s happening in your relationships, it’s wise to assess where you are (or not), and to get more clarity on how to really uplevel those relationships. This way, not only can you accomplish your goals, but you do it with a heart filled with love, energy and joy.

The first step is to define the different kinds of people with you in relationships, and to identify what about the relationship makes you feel off-kilter or uncomfortable. It’s that hard-to-pinpoint feeling of discomfort when you know something isn’t working. A mentor of mine calls it a “wiggly-niggly” feeling. You know it when you feel it!

  • Team members. These are employees or any other people helping you on an ongoing basis. The wiggly-niggly with these people might be that no matter how many times you give them instructions, they just don’t get it right.
  • Partners. These can be business partners, collaborative partners, and joint venture partners. Oftentimes the wiggly-niggly is unspoken resentment or that things are not quite in balance. One person is working hard and the other person is slacking off. Or one is really promoting the venture and the other isn’t.
  • Clients. Anyone who has come to see your performance, a reader of your book, a viewer of your artwork, or someone who hires your services. The wiggly-niggly there is if you get annoyed easily at one of your clients. Does this client show up late and expect you to go overtime? Do they not pay? Or do they get intimidated or anxious if you reach out to new prospects?
  • Contractors. Similar to a team member but not someone on an ongoing basis. Maybe this person is a logo designer, a caterer for an event, or the rep for a venue you’re renting. Those types of relationships can get wiggly when someone doesn’t follow through on a contract. Or they might be hard to contact once you paid them. Or you feel you overpaid and you resent it but you never say anything or try to negotiate.
  • Employers. This could also be a supervisor. Often there can be resentment or feelings of unfairness in these types of relationships.
  • Your mentors & teachers. The wiggly-niggly energy here can make you feel shy, scared, entitled, or not deserving.

  • Main emotional support relationship. This could be your spouse, sister, parent, best friend, etc. There are all kinds of possibilities for wiggly-niggly with these relationships!

Assessing: Evaluate the Relationships

Ask yourself the following questions. Let your inner Wise Woman answer. Don’t try to overthink anything. You already know the answers.

  • Of the different relationship types listed above, which are the ones where you have the strongest relationships? Where do you feel on target, you know it’s soul-centered and you’re really clean in your energy?
  • How are those so aligned? What makes them so good and aligned?
  • Which types of relationships give you trouble currently and consistently?
  • For each of these, how would you characterize the trouble, the misalignment, or the unclean energy?
  • What’s the result of this trouble? How does it impact your soul-centered project? Be as specific as you can get with current situations.
  • Which of those categories are vital to your soul-centered project? Which ones are game-changers for your project, such that you truly need for them to be aligned in order to move forward?

  • Why are those vital? What result will it yield if you are able to create or deepen a soul-centered relationship?

This is where I see leaders falter and self-sabotage repeatedly. It happens with team members, or a client relationship, or a partner. Maybe you end that relationship, but you don’t heal it. And you end up recreating it elsewhere with someone else experiencing that same dynamic.

Creating Your Ideal Relationships

Identifying and evaluating your relationships is the first step to healing them. The next step is to get clear on what your ideal relationships would look like. To do so, journal on the following questions:

  • What do you want this relationship to look like? How do you want it to change?
  • What is required of you on an outer level to make that change happen?

  • What would be required of you on an inner level?

Put Your Awareness into Motion for Soul-Centered Success

The Next Step is to take action. What are your next 3 baby steps to create Soul-Centered Relationships, and soul-centered success?

Happy Monday Wise Women!

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A chunk of my time lately has been spent preparing for the Wise Woman Leadership Program (WWLP) that begins next month, and I wanted to bring you in behind the scenes on it.

I think of WWLP as THE foundational program for soul-centered women who are either beginning their entrepreneurial journey or ready for a serious upgrade in their developing business. It’s kind of like a 1-stop experience for the inner and outer tools you need to become visible, profitable, and poised to grow.

Because the beginning phases of business growth are so vital – there’s so much information to learn, skills to master, and fears to overcome – I take very special care with both the curriculum in WWLP as well as making sure that each woman in the program is held, seen, heard, and supported. The individual attention is so important to me and is also what makes Soulful Coaching programs unique, and I am working with my team on some pretty exciting new ways to take that to an even deeper level.

One thing we look at very carefully in the program is how to market effectively and soul-fully. That leads us to last week’s article – all about the best practices for obtaining the best testimonials. Don’t miss it and enjoy!

Big hug to you,
Joanna

Glowing Reviews and Testimonials: How to Get Them

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Enthusiastic reviews for your business or soul-centered project are a key way to support your marketing efforts. Marketing testing has demonstrated again and again that showcasing the positive opinions and comments from real clients can help you gain more new clients by over 150% versus not using testimonials.

Why are good testimonials so effective? Because your prospects get to hear, straight from the mouth of your satisfied customers, how beneficial your product or service is and why others should buy from you. Testimonials can be very powerful.
If you aren’t currently using testimonials in your marketing materials, or you are using testimonials but you sense they could be improved, here are some tips:

Ask for Testimonials

It sounds pretty obvious to ask clients for their thoughts at the end of a program or service project, but there are far too many entrepreneurs out there who don’t routinely do this. I hear from folks that you are often scared to ask for referrals – you either don’t want to take up someone’s time or you’re scared they don’t want to give a referral. 9 times out of 10 folks will be HAPPY you asked them – Make sure you ask for testimonials!

You can contact people individually or as a group via email, snail mail, or by distributing forms by hand when you are meeting with people. Always remember to give clients a deadline by which to hand their testimonial in to you, and also always remember to let your clients know how much you appreciate them and their willingness to support you in this way. Gratitude is SO important.

Guide Your Client through the Testimonial Process

The best testimonials are specific, detailed, and have a purpose in mind. I always recommend that you give your clients specific questions to answer about their experience with you.

Although it might allow respondents to answer more quickly, don’t ask only yes/no questions. Ask questions such as:

–What were things like before we started working together?

–How have things improved and changed through our work together?

–What have you enjoyed most about my product/service?

–What would you want other people to know about me/my product?

A powerful testimonial talks about a specific problem the client experienced before coming to you, and describes how you solved the problem. Structure your questions in such a way that people can’t get away with being vague. A testimonial that simply says “this class was awesome” doesn’t tell you much. A testimonial that says, “before I came to this class I couldn’t manage to sing in key, but now I can carry a tune all the way home” is far more compelling because you know why the class was so awesome.

Capture Organic Testimonials

Occasionally, clients will reach out to you rather than the other way around, just to let you know that they appreciate your service. When this happens, ask them if you can quote them. Tell them you’d like to share their comments so that others can benefit as well. Most people love to give advice and make recommendations, so being a source of information about your business allows them to do that. They will be flattered that you want to quote them, and more than happy to help you gain more business.

Where To Use Testimonials

You can and should use testimonials everywhere! The words of your clients can sell your product or service just as effectively – if not more so – than your own marketing materials. Here are some possible places to use testimonials:

  • on your website
  • on your resume
  • in your portfolio
  • on your quotes, order confirmations and invoices
  • in your print ads, sales letters, direct mail
  • when you encounter a barrier while talking to a client
  • on Twitter – in bite-sized pieces
  • on your blog – tell a success story about a client
  • in Facebook and Google+
  • in preview teleclasses and workshops (invite your testimonials to be with you live!)

Final Testimonial Tips

It’s ok to edit testimonials, especially if they are very long, and it’s definitely a good idea to correct any spelling mistakes. But try not to over-edit. Even if grammar errors make you cringe, they give some personal flavor and help remind people that it’s genuine.

Spread your testimonials out over your marketing materials. If you strategically place testimonials with relevant content they can have a big impact on how well the content is received.

Finally, whenever possible, use your client’s full name. It is important to get permission from your testimonial to do so, and using a client’s full name + either location or their website lends much, much more credibility to their testimonial because readers and prospects will see that your testimonials are real people celebrating you!